The blacked out windows of the Rockhampton National
Dance Hall might hide the light, but any passing invader
could find it by sound. Cares and inhibitions were thrown
away for just a short time. Some lights could be
seen twinkling as bodies jumped and swung past the
open entrance. People were already milling around
outside trying to cool off. A few couples
were trying very hard to find a more romantic place
in order to spend time together.
Heather knew some of those girls would be
getting themselves into hot water pretty soon, and
once Beatrice Price knew,
then so would whole district. Rockhampton's
small town society ostracized those who didn't
conform to their rules. It helped her
determination to not succumb to
any stupid behaviour.
Jeeps started arriving with loads of sexed-up
American GIs whooping and hollering up the street.
It was sure to upset the locals, who were
sitting down to listen to their favourite radio show.
One thing was for certain, the boys were here
for a good time, if not a long one.
They were a conglomeration of khaki suits with slicked
back hair, big smiles and big plans for the evening.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Opening No. 8
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5 comments:
The blacked out windows of the Rockhampton National
Dance Hall might hide the light, but any passing invader
could find it by sound.
This sentence seems clumsy to me. I think it maybe better to clean it up.
The blackened windows of Rockhampton National Dance Hall hide the light, but anyone could find the dance hall by sound.
There are also some passive sentences which slow the story down.
Very interesting story.
jerzegurl
How's this? I've made a few changes (I actually hadn't looked at the passive sentences before, but now they stand out, thanks for that Jerzegurl)
The blackened windows of the Rockhampton National Dance Hall might hide the light, but any passing Japanese invader could find it by sound. For just a short time, everyday worries and inhibitions were thrown away while the music rang out into the night air. Lights could be seen twinkling as couples danced past the open entrance. Outside men and women were trying to cool off, some were looking for a secluded spot to get to know each other better. Heather shook her head in dismay as she walked up the steps to the door those girls would be getting themselves into hot water pretty soon. Rockhampton’s small town society ostracized those who didn’t conform to their social rules. Heather remained determined not to be one of them.
Jeeps arrived with loads of sexed-up American GI’s whooping and hollering in their excitement. One thing was for certain, the boys were here for a good time, if not a long one. They were a conglomeration of khaki suits with slicked back hair, big smiles and big plans for the evening. Heather rolled her eyes she knew it was going to be one of those nights again. The local boys preferred the Americans stayed away from their women, the girls preferred they received as much attention as possible. Before the end of the night there would be many little incidents of roosters trying to stomp their territory onto some strangers face. There were too many egos crowded into the small dance hall on such a muggy night, it was a powder keg waiting to go off.
Your second version is tighter, but I think you could do more with it still. You've started with a lot of setting, which establishes place and time, but I want to be more inside the main character's head. This feels too general to me, not focused enough yet.
I liked the line about Beatrice Price in the first version (which you then removed and generalised) - this kind of precise detail brings the story to life more for me.
If you can't put some dialogue into this beginning, can you put some direct thoughts from Heather? At the moment her thinking is also general and doesn't feel like it's directly inside her head.
Give her some immediate action - a GI leaping out of a jeep and grabbing her arm, for example. This is a lively scene, but still feels a little distant, and the key to closeness is the viewpoint character.
Will do sherryl, back in a minute
The blackened windows of the Rockhampton National Dance Hall might hide the light, but any passing Japanese invader could find it by sound.
‘Heather let’s get in there before all the good ones are gone.’ Sarah tugged at her arm.
Heather looked at her in disgust, Sarah was the reason the girls were late again. ‘You go ahead.’
Dropping her arm, Sarah minced her way up the stairs to the open doorway, lights could be seen twinkling as couples danced past. She stopped at the entrance, one of the local boys leaned against the wall looking her up and down appreciatively.
‘Bother,’ Heather said under her breath, Sarah was at it again. ‘She’ll never learn.’
Heather stepped aside at the bottom of the stairs as men and women came down to cool off. One couple were looking for a secluded spot to get to know each other better. She shook her head in dismay, that girl would be getting herself into hot water pretty soon and once Beatrice Price found out then the whole town would know. Knowing Rockhampton’s small town society ostracized those who didn’t conform to their social rules Heather remained determined not to be one of them.
Jeeps arrived with loads of sexed-up American GI’s whooping and hollering in their excitement. Jumping out of the vehicles before they had stopped, several raced past Heather almost knocking her off the wooden stairs.
‘Sorry darling, the boys are a little rowdy tonight.’ A broad smile shone down at her from the tall gangly GI he had caught her gently by the elbow.
‘Thanks, they’re certainly here for a good time, if not a long one.’ Heather smiled back.
‘Do you have a date tonight?’ He asked.
‘Oh sorry I do, but thank you for being such a gentleman.’ She hoped the brush off would work.
He looked slightly crestfallen but seemed to rally well, ‘how about a dance then, later?’
‘I’ll have to ask my date, you know how these big burly men get, he might not like it.’ She toyed with the small cloth purse dangling from her left forearm.
‘Well, maybe some other time.’ He took the stairs two at a time and disappeared into the throng.
Heather breathed a sigh of relief as he left, the last thing she needed was a man in her life. Entering through the door she could tell it was going to be another one of those nights.
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