Friday, August 01, 2008

Opening No. 6

I realise some of these are spreading across the page - it's hard to judge where the lines should end as I copy and paste. On to the next!
"Bump in the Night" by B.L.Borowetz

Sometimes life hands you lemon slices, and I guess the
smart thing to do would be make Gin Tonics . But when
your cosmic surprise turns out to be a slug clinging to your
clothing, the best thing to do is go back to bed and
stay there.

I so need to listen to my own advice.

I'd been up all night, out in the city fulfilling my destiny, saving
mankind. It's a great gig most days, but plays hell on the
wardrobe. First thing I noticed when I woke was the clothing
on the floor, where I'd stripped down as the sun had been
coming up. My favorite pair of leather pants were totally
shredded, and the suede designer jacket hadn't fared much
better.

Now I can handle monsters of the dark making a grab for
me with their numerous stinging tentacles, or poisonous
venom spewed my way is all in a day's work. If some bitch
from the demon realm wants to go all chick-fit in
a fight and starts pulling hair, I can deal. But the loss of
favorite pants and jacket on the same night, due to some
crack-head knife-wielding psycho that I'd inadvertently
bumped into while getting a soda at the corner 7-11
really pissed me off.

4 comments:

Sherryl said...

Hey, I like this, and I like the voice. But - I'm going to suggest you delete the first two paragraphs and start with "I'd been up all night..."
There is a story question here concerning who this character is - I'd expect one or two concerning plot to emerge pretty soon.

Esther Jade said...

In terms of situated, I'm guessing an apartment in a contemporary city. In terms of genre, I'm guessing urban fantasy from the fighting monsters bit and the cranky female heroine.

I liked the opening sentence - its twist of the cliche got my attention. I was confused by the second. I felt like the third and fourth paragraph could be tighter - it feels like they're giving back story rather than moving into the main plotline, if that makes sense.

RK said...

Definitely urban fantasy.

Love your line about the lemon slices and gin and tonic. Nice twist of a cliche.

Other than that, I'd like more hints of the plot earlier on. Also, you mention city --but I'd like to know which city.

But I like the voice and the genre, and would keep reading.

disorderly said...

I like the lemon slices/gin and tonic line, but have you considered positioning it later in the opening? The rest of the first graf confused me, and the second seemed unnecessary.

I think I might even go so far as to suggest opening with some variation of the fourth graf and work back into the preceding stuff from there.

The hooks are good, though, and the voice is great. :-)