Friday, August 01, 2008

Opening No. 5

My legs stretched as far as they could, carrying me across the forest path.
Rocks and roots pressed against my bare feet - my slippers had shredded
and fallen off long ago - but I did not care. I just had to run. I even could
not quite remember what I was running from. All I remembered was sharp,
shiny weapons of destruction.
They had destroyed the life that I had peacefully led for the past few years.
They were likely to destroy any peace that I had in this life. The only way
that I would be able to have any peace would be in death. Even there,
I doubted that they would not continue to hound me. The High King's
Myrmidon were persistent, to say the least.
The fatigue was starting to soak into my muscles. It clouded my mind;
my defences fell away and my pain immunity faded. I slowed, jogging
along the path, and then completely stopped. I bent over double as dizziness
assaulted me. My stomach heaved, but there was nothing left to throw up.
I smacked my lips, wishing for water to clear the bitter taste from my mouth. I
wiped my hand along my mouth, wincing as all the scratches protested.

ManiacScribbler

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Manic

I think that this should be your first sentence. My slippers had shredded and fallen off long ago - but I did not care.

When I read the first sentence I thought your MC was going for a leisurely walk.


I just had to run.

I would get rid of the just. It would make the sentence stronger...


I even could not quite remember what I was running from. All I remembered was sharp,
shiny weapons of destruction.

This sentence confused me. I would delete even and change the sentence so it doesn't end in a preposition. Maybe combine the two.

I could not quite remember what I was running from, all I remembered was sharp,shiny weapons of destruction.

defences should be defenses.

Good story. Thanks for posting.

jerzegurl

Sherryl said...

This feels like some kind of SF or fantasy, so I need more of a sense of this world, I think. An awful lot of this is inside the character's head - yes, the character is suffering, but too much introspective description feels static. Have him/her interact more with what's around, and make the surroundings more relevant too.
You could look again at the Robotham example - rather than just the bit about They and the High King's Myrmidon, show us more of what he/she is running from. It's hard to share fear when we don't know what's causing it.
And I'd like a clue as to whether it is a he or a she.

Esther Jade said...

In terms of situated, it seems to be in a forest in a fantasy realm. So, I'm guessing fantasy is the genre.

There are hooks - who is this person? why are the Myrmidon after them? how come they have a pain immunity?

The tone seems to be the bit that's the least clear. I'm not getting too much of a sense of the main character, which is one of the things I look for at the beginning of a book.

RK said...

My guess is urban fantasy, fantasy or sci-fi. Love a strong female-centered story in those genres and would keep reading.

I agree with the first commentor that: "My slippers had shredded and fallen off long ago -- but I didn't care." would be a great first sentence.

ManiacScribbler said...

Thank you! I need to carry this on throughout the book. ^^'
ManiacScribbler =^..^=

Sherryl said...

That's what Les Edgerton says - if you can get all this right in Chapter 1, then you carry it on through the whole book!